Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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