Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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