when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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