Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
