Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
