i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
