Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you have to choose: penises or morals?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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