I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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