she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
