i may or may not be watching the land before time
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So apparently I’m into choking now
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
