hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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