My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
