Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
