In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
