Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Congratulations! We have a period
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