I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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