I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
