Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Im part way to drunk.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
