I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
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