when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
