So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
