how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
