dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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