Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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