I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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