I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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