you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
