you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
