Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
