You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
