My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
