ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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