I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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