Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
