This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
