I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
