"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
