I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
