Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
