If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
