there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Found the puke drawer
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
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