when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
