Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
