I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
