2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
