wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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