this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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