First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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