Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
