I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
PANTIES FOUND
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